Buckle up Enneagram lovers – we’re diving into your favorite topic in light of marriage today. If you want to be more self aware, and improve how you operate in your most primary relationship, this episode is for you.
Joining us is Christa Hardin, therapist and Enneagram expert. She is host of the popular Enneagram + Marriage podcast.
Today she helps us understand why understanding our Instincts within each number of the Enneagram is important, why knowing where we are in the Conflict Triad matters, and how we can be more whole and balanced as a couple using the strengths of each group.
From self-soothing techniques to language we can use for greater connection, Christa illuminates how this tool can help us in growing and deepening love.
CHRISTA’S BOOK
PREVIOUS ENNEAGRAM EPISODES TO LISTEN TO
What’s your number? Understanding the Enneagram 101 with Suzanne Stabile
The Enneagram and Spiritual Health with Doug and Adele Calhoun
The Enneagram and Your Authentic Self with Marilyn Vancil
A QUICK RUN DOWN DESCRIPTION OF EACH NUMBER
Type 1 – The Improver
Type 2- The Giver
Type 3 – The Achiever
Type 4 – The Individualist
Type 5- The Observer
Type 6- The Trust Builder
Type 7- The Enthusiast
Type 8- The Protector
Type 9- The Peace Maker
UNDERSTANDING INSTINCTS WITHIN EACH NUMBER
Self Preserving Instinct – take care of you and your family using security measures
Sexual Instinct – the desire to create together; to merge and attract
Social Instinct – the desire for social connection and purpose
CONFLICT TRIADS (HARMONIC GROUP) – KNOWING HOW YOU CAN WORK THROUGH CONFLICT
Types 2, 7, + 9 – Positivity types – think in ideals, comfort, love
Types 1, 3, + 5 – Linear and logical types in conflict
Types 6, 8, + 4 – Emotional reactivity and passion types – deeper and more passionate care- OK putting cards on the table and showing how they really feel.
The best is when we can combine positivity, depth / passion, and maintain logic. When couples do all three, they start to argue in ways that get traction.
“Where there is life, there’s hope.”
-Tolkien
SELF SOOTHING TECHNIQUES
- Take deep breaths
- Lament (ie. who your spouse isn’t)
- Take time with the Lord
- Go on a walk
- Take a break from conflict
“Focus on what you are together as a couple instead of what you aren’t.”
QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU RISE
- Within your number, what instinct do you fall in? Self preserving, sexual, or social?
- Look up your number plus your instince and see what it says to increase your self awareness.
- Where do you fall in the conflict triad?
- What can you do to broaden your skill set in conflict (get practical and specific).
- When can you create a time to discuss the principles in this episode with your spouse?
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